btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
