I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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