I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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