I am puke
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
