i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
