OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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