Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
