So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
