you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
