And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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