I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
