We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
