if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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