Don't make out with my wife yet
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
