Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
