smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
