Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
