the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
