i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
