I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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