I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry about my life...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
