yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
