i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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