if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The power of my boobs compel you
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
