I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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