captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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