mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
