she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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