Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Randomize
