Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
