Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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