this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize