how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
