Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize