the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
