Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
