There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
