Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize