My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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