My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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