dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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