Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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