Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
