Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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