did you get engaged???
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
