I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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