I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
