woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize