Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
