I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
