The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
