Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize