Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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