is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
