youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
