I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
