If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
