And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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