that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
